What Are You a Slave to?

emotional fitness May 18, 2024

Two weeks ago, I had major surgery.

This one is a long recovery & I have to remind myself to go slow because all my healing is on the inside


These damn inside jobs get me 

Do they get you? 


So, here's the story:

Before surgery - you must strip yourself of all medicines, supplements, caffeine, jewelry, lotions, perfumes...


it's kinda crazy 


like they take it all from you 


so, I obey


BUT at first, your mind goes 


how in the hell can I go without my supplements,

without my coffee or caffeine

how will I survive without my routine

without all my things...


My brain with its eyebrows raised & head cocked is like WTF are you doing? 


I feel instantly naked without my ring & necklace & earrings that I never take off 


Everything inside me screams Hold Up! We are missing parts of us & immediately I am incomplete 


But then I have surgery

and I wake up

Thank God!


BUT then I feel like shit 

BUT I have drugs 

so I forget 


and I sleep 

so I don't need caffeine


and I don't need to leave the bed

so I don't need lotion or perfume or deodorant


and suddenly, I find no need to do of my normal shit that were once habits but now are permanent pieces of me


& that's when I realized on Day 11 


How Effing Free I Was

without my watch 


for multiple reasons too:

the steps 

the time 

the calories 


the closing of the damn circle eyeballing me every effing hour if I didn't get up & move 250 beats 


even the heaviness of it

on it on my tiny toddler wrist 


were all gone!


AND that's when I knew

I was my Fit Bit's B!tch.


It owned me 


it had me on the go 10000 mph seven days a week


it had me feeling the pull of get up & go-go-go don't you dare sit down & be a baby


it had me competing against myself for steps & calories 


it had me checking the time constantly 


it had me chained to a 6-inch band wrapped around my left wrist 


Now to confirm this silly little prison sentence, on day 12 I put it back on 


& when I looked down & saw I had only taken 4,000 something steps


I felt defeated

lazy, fat, gross


I was pissed 


& immediately transported into my head of feeling less than & weak & failing the warrior inside of me


Even though I had major surgery 


even though my insides were on fire 


even though I knew not to mess up the newness of everything my surgeon just fixed inside of me 


even though...


Isn't that cruel 

Isn't that ridiculous 


a watch tracking my health was imprisoning me 


something that was supposed to be helpful & useful & a tool to motivate me


snuck up & seeped inside me strangling my self-trust & my sanity

I'm wearing it as I type this right now & it's annoying me


it feels like I am intentionally punishing myself 


waiting to see how many days before it feels 'not that bad' again 


waiting to see if I can change the feelings inside 


even though I've now felt the freedom of the other side of my prison walls 


it's a stupid watch you say 


BUT it's not 


it's the thing that my future self is rejecting 


she doesn't need it anymore 

she doesn't want it anymore 

She's good to go without it 

She's done - Done


and chaining her to it will only increase the tension inside my tired head 


So today I'm gonna put it away until I can wear it without it weighing me down 


Today, I break up with my jail cell 


because this season doesn't call for the tracking of my every move 


I have already arrived where I needed to arrive when I first needed the stupid watch in the first place 


And it took a major life surgery for me to see this 


This next season


Future Me


requires stillness

requires inner fitness

requires patience 

requires total trust knowing I am exactly where I'm supposed to be


and there is no need to rush


The ironic thing is surgery doesn't hurt when it's happening

it hurts before & after


it hurts in the decision and the anticipation and the knowing something big is necessary to heal you & help you 


and it hurts in the aftermath


in the healing

in the letting go

in the missing of what you once needed & wanted


but now no longer do



Now, I hear all my smarty pants saying yeah, surgery doesn't hurt when it's happening because you're drugged up

you're asleep


But the truth is

once you welcome it


your pain plaguing you comes to a serene inner peace & shatters the illusion of what you think you needed

but you just don't


because while you've been so busy focusing on your prison walls 


you've missed that you've actually already arrived at where you wanna go




What are you a slave to? 

There IS something Keeping you


and though it may seem like a tiny little thing (in my case a $150 watch) 


once it sinks its teeth into you & clamps down


your ability to escape its tyranny takes tremendous courage


BUT be courageous anyways 


because that's when you see

the season you're in


is already in process of performing a powerful surgery in your life


whether you like it or not.


#healing #pain #selfimprovement #selfcare #writer #personalgrowth #blogpost #futureself #selfawareness



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